The Scandinavian Insider

Ask Hetti

Shoeless in Perstorp

Scandinavian Insider’s Hetti Kett gives advice and answers your burning question on social customs in Sweden.

Dear Hetti,
I would like you to explain shoe removal etiquette. In wintertime it is rather obvious that outdoor shoes need to be removed upon arrival at someone’s house. I have seen many friends bring an extra pair of party shoes to wear during the festivities inside.These are usually carried to the party in a simple, plastic bag and put back inside the bag when leaving again.  However, at several parties this summer I have been confused about what is appropriate and what is not.  If you are wearing sandals, thus barefooted, should you take off your footwear and be “naked” on their floors? Or should you bring another pair of cute, summer sandals to change into? What about if you have a hole in your sock? One Swedish friend asked me if she could leave on her shoes because she was embarrassed for everyone to see her old socks (Shouldn’t she have thought of that when she got dressed in the morning?.) Now, every time I see someone wearing their shoes inside I think they must have holes in their socks. What other reasons are acceptable for wearing your outdoor shoes inside?
Thank you for your “soleful” reply!
Shoeless or not in Perstorp

Dear Shoeless,
Footwear removal is a minefield – ask Paul Wolfowitz, formerly of the World Bank, who famously stepped out of his shoes during a recent visit to a mosque in Turkey, only to reveal his not unholy, but holey, socks. Photographers from all over the globe zoomed in on his big toes poking through – he was caught shoeless, clueless and deeply uncool! (Personally, I believe his career was doomed right then and there. The thing about him promoting his mistress within the organisation was just an excuse). So, consider yourself lucky: the shoe removal etiquette that you are learning here in Sweden will stand you in good stead in many parts of the world. The main message is: don’t fall into the Wolfowitz trap, BE PREPARED.

In winter, make sure your socks are always clean, whole and preferably matching. In the summer, keep your feet perfectly clean at all times and treat yourself to the occasional pedicure – your feet will thank you and you’ll never be embarrassed by them.

You are correct, however, in noting that during the summer months, the procedure is confusing – especially on a dry day when you are wearing a clean pair of summer sandals that match your dress (and can add crucial centimetres to your height). In these circumstances, ask your hosts whether you need to remove your footwear at the door. If in luck, they will tell you to do as you please. On the other hand, if they’re sticklers for hygiene (a category well-represented at these latitudes) they may insist that you abandon your expensive heels on the doormat. They are imagining all the terrifying bacteria your shoes are carrying – and would much rather share your athlete’s foot than face unnamed substances from the street. In this case, it is only polite to do as you are asked. You may find that walking barefoot on spotless floors is such a sensual pleasure that you decide to give up the shag rug back home!

Dear Hetti,
Since moving to Sweden I have had a friendly relationship with my neighbours and a few other acquaintances.  With some of them I have been able to be quite spontaneous and invite them over for coffee or tea (fika) at short notice. However, others have never accepted my invitations no matter how far in advance I have invited them. Why is this?  I know it is not because they don’t like me.  Some people have told me that if they were to accept my invitation that would obligate them to invite me to their house.  Is this true? If it is, how can I convey that I do not need to be invited back?  (just that I’d like to spend some time with them once in a while, sitting down instead of standing outside talking for an hour, for example) Please give me some advice about this custom of house fikas!
Thanks!
Missing “Would you like to drop in for a cup of coffee?”

Dear Friendly Neighbour,
If an Englishman’s home is his castle, then a Swede’s home is his desolate, impregnable fortress…? No, not really, but as I have pointed out before in this very column, Scandinavians generally take a slow and cautious approach to socializing.Scandinavian friendships are often born from shared activities, as opposed to idle chatting, which goes against the work-ethic of these industrious people. Depending on your inclinations, ask your neighbours to join you for a game of tennis, offer to take care of their dog while they’re on holiday. When they are convinced that you’re a person of action and not just words, they will be ready to take the next step. Similarly, while many Swedes are suspicious of pointless gossip, they are very likely to respond positively if you ask for advice on how to prune your raspberry canes, or where to go for a day trip to the seaside. (Invite them in to look at maps). 

Another way to avoid standing for an hour in the street is to suggest meeting on neutral ground; it feels like less of a commitment than having someone over to your house. For example, suggest a walk by the seaside or in a nearby park, where a cup of coffee or an ice cream can be shared without anyone bringing out their best china. If your neighbours have kids and you do too, an invitation over the fence to the children will probably be welcomed. Set up “saft och bulle” in the garden and let the kids play. This usually has a thawing effect on the parents as well.
The key here is to be patient. On the plus side, once you have earned acceptance into the heart and home of a Swede, you have gained a loyal and steadfast friend for life.

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