The Scandinavian Insider

Ask Hetti

New York neurotic

Scandinavian Insider’s Hetti Kett gives advice and answers your burning questions on social customs in Sweden.

Dear Hetti,
I work at a Swedish company and am literally terrified as the hour draws close to “fika” or lunch break at my office. It may sound silly but having lived and worked in Manhattan, where lunch or coffee break is a sacred ritual undertaken alone or in the company of a few delightful and close co-workers, this “pack-culture” habit of eating lunch and taking a fika together at exactly the same time with my colleagues simply because we share the same ventilation system causes me great anxiety.Swedes are quiet people and the long pregnant pauses in between sips and bites are awkward for me. How can I escape this practice and at the same time avoid ostracism by my Swedish colleagues?
Sincerely, NY Neurotic

Dear Neurotic,
Swedish society is based on admirable principles of equality, solidarity, mutual respect and a solid work ethic - all without unnecessary small talk.  Hence the solemnly shared lunch breaks with a soundtrack of chewing and swallowing. If this is really too much to bear for your Manhattan sensibilities, drastic measures are called for. Here are some suggestions:

1) Start up loud conversations with everyone at the table, or tell bad jokes and laugh uproariously at them. This will make you so unbearable to the Swedes that they themselves will suggest you take lunch elsewhere from now on.

2) Tell everyone you’re on a diet so strict that the sight of everyone else’s knackebröd drives you into a frenzy of desire, so you’re going to have to eat at your desk, out of sight of temptation.

3) Leave the office on urgent errands just before lunch time and make for the nearest café, where you can chat up a cute waiter or waitress instead.

4) Make everyone hold hands and say grace before eating; you’ll be believable as an American, unless everyone knows you’re from New York, in which case they probably won’t buy it.

5) Take up smoking so that you have to leave the building in order to have a
fag during the break. Just make sure you don’t end up in an identical silent fraternity of nicotine addicts, only outside the building in the freezing cold, with lung disease as a by-product. 

6) Watch some Swedish films from the 70s (anything by Bergman is good). The heavy silences and awkwardness portrayed in the movies will make the company of your colleagues seem light, witty and charming by comparison.

7) Get an iPod and wear it during lunch. If you opt to listen to Swedish lessons instead of your favourite R&B, you’ll be promoted by the end of the year for being such a good linguist.

8) Make some proper friends among your colleagues and suggest that you form a “lunch club”: the notion that this is a formal association will lend it the necessary legitimacy and you can safely retire to one of your offices for the club’s daily General Assembly.
Good luck!

Dear Hetti,
As a foreigner living in Sweden, I am continually asked how I “hamnat i sverige”. I have been here for almost ten years and I must have answered this question 1,000 times. My husband refuses to answer it any more, which strikes me as a bit rude. (He sometimes comes up with a conversation stopper, like “I made a simple mistake in my youth and I’ve been here ever since"). I don’t want to be rude, but cannot think of a neat way to reply without provoking a full enquiry.
Polite wife, Bjärred.

Dear Polite Wife,
You may have answered the same questions a thousand times, but remember the people you’re talking to have only enquired once each. They are being polite and showing an interest in you and your personal relationship to their country. Think of a quick and easy phrase to summarize your story, including some sign of appreciation for what your host country has to offer, and encourage your husband to answer briefly but pleasantly as well. (For example, you could say, “I moved here for work ten years ago, but stayed on when I found out how much I love the Swedish way of life").
Then you can move the conversation on to the person in front of you. You could ask them which part of Sweden they are originally from or what they do for a job. They may or may not have answered these questions a thousand times before, but they will most probably reply graciously anyway, giving both of you a chance to find out more about each other.

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